Why Parents Demand Respect From Their Kids

When a child talks back, ignores a request, or uses a rude tone, many parents feel the urge to say: “Show me some respect!”

But what we often mean in that moment isn’t respect, it’s obedience. And if we’re honest, sometimes what we’re really asking for is compliance through fear.

Respect vs. Obedience: What’s the Difference?
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• Obedience means doing what you’re told, often instantly, without question. It can be enforced with threats, punishments, or the fear of losing privileges.
• Respect is a mutual relationship built on trust, kindness, and connection. It cannot be forced. It grows when both parent and child feel seen and valued.

When we confuse obedience with respect, we risk damaging the trust between us and our children.

Why Kids Seem Disrespectful (Rude Behaviour Explained)

When children ignore us, refuse to tidy their room, or speak rudely, it can feel personal. But beneath that behaviour is usually something deeper:

• Unmet needs – hunger, tiredness, need for connection, or desire for autonomy.
• A dysregulated nervous system – stress, overwhelm, or sensory overload.
• Big feelings without skills – children often don’t yet have the emotional regulation tools adults expect.

If we only focus on the behaviour, demanding “respect” through compliance, we miss the chance to understand what’s driving it.

How to Teach Respect Without Fear

Inside my Peaceful Parent School, we encourage parents to build respect through connection, not control.

Here’s how:

• Listen with curiosity – What might your child’s behaviour be telling you?
• Hold boundaries calmly – You can say “no” firmly and kindly without shame or threats.
• Model respect – Speak to your child the way you’d like them to speak to you.
• Support regulation – Help your child calm down before expecting respectful communication.
• Repair after conflict – Apologising when we lose our cool shows children that respect works both ways.

The Parenting Shift That Changes Everything

The next time you feel like saying, “Show me some respect,” pause and ask yourself:

• Am I asking for respect or obedience?
• Do I want my child to fear me or to trust me?

Respect isn’t something we can demand. It’s something we nurture and model every day. When children feel safe, connected, and understood, true respect naturally follows.

Build Respectful, Connected Relationships With Your Child

At Peaceful Parent School, I help parents move beyond power struggles into calmer, more connected relationships with their children. If your child’s “disrespectful” behaviour is leaving you frustrated, you’re not alone and there is another way forward.

👉 Learn more about Peaceful Parent School here and discover how to raise your child with respect, without fear.

What kind of limit setter are you?

I invite you to think about what your default limit setting approach is. Here are a few I came up with. 

1. Explain 20 times, run out of patience when no one listens and then snap.

2. You set limits harshly or with a very stern tone, sounding exactly like how your own parents set limits with you.

3. You workaround your child's big feelings and upsets to avoid conflict at all costs. That means you often go to great lengths to keep everyone happy, even when it starts to get ridiculous.

4. Maybe your parents were super strict and you are determined to do things differently. So you don't set any limits at all through fear of upsetting your child or being unfair to them. However, maybe that means life is a little chaotic and you aren't getting your own needs met.

Of something else? 

I definitely bounce between all of these strategies from day to day and moment to moment.

But when I step out of my "auto-pilot parenting" I use the Hand in Hand Parenting approach to setting limits:

Listen - assess the situation, is the limit necessary, is your child's behaviour off-track?

Limit - bring the limit with connection and warmth

Listen - This is the crucial bit, listen to any feelings that come up. This will allow your child to release emotional tension and get back to being relaxed and flexible.

​No to the behaviour, yes to the feelings.

This will allow you to set limits in a way that builds relationship and emotional intelligence.

Find out more in this week's podcast Epidsode 21 of Peaceful Parenting with Pam.

So take a breath and put your auto-parent response on hold if you can. 

Try saying “I’d love to hear more” or “I’d love to hear what makes you feel that way”. 

Offer your presence, your love and your connection. 

They need to feel safe enough to share their worries with you. Here’s what you can do: 

1. Create time together. Maybe lie with them at bedtime and offer to play with their hair or give them a hand massage. Don’t push them into talking. Give them space to feel your love and allow them to talk in their own time. Listen without judgement or advice. 
2. Boost the goofiness and laughter. Find ways to make your child laugh. Try suggesting a game of chase around the house or a piggy back ride. Act as goofy and light-hearted as you can. Life for older children becomes too serious. Silliness and laughter will build trust and connection. 
3. Take care of your own feelings. It is almost impossible to connect with your child when you are feeling the strain of parenting. Share your fears and worries with a trusted listener. This will open up space for you to re-connect with your child and offer them the love they need at this time. 

Connection is more important than ever as your child moves through the Tween years. 

To get some support and fresh ideas around supporting your child through the Tween years, join my workshop this Saturday 11th September at 10am UK time.

Listen: Five Simple Tools To Help You Meet The Everyday Challenges of Parenting by Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore is an excellent introduction to the Hand in Hand Parenting approach. The book clearly outlines the five Hand in Hand listening tools: Listening Partnerships, Special Time, Playlistening, Staylistening and Setting Limits. 

These simple yet profound parenting tools give parents the strategies they need to implement the theory of gentle, attachment-based parenting in their families. 

The book is infused with stories from a diverse range of parents about how they have used the tools to support their parenting challenges. These anecdotes bring the tools to life and give practical examples of how the Hand in Hand Parenting approach can help your family. So many parenting books focus on the theory of attachment parenting but lack the practical ways in which you can implement this style of parenting into your interactions with your child.  

As well as describing the principles of the five listening tools, "Listen" dedicates Part 3 of the book to everyday parenting challenges including mealtimes, sharing, screens, separation anxiety, bedtime, nail biting and thumb sucking, fear of medical procedures, hitting and biting and siblings. These examples of common challenges show the reader how to use the tools to help their children move through specific issues. 

Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting, brings her warmth and deep sense of compassion to this book. This is even more apparent on the Audible version read by Patty herself. Her soothing words in your ears are a balm to the worry and frustrations of parenting small children day in, day out. Patty really gets that. She has been there, raised her children and developed these tools based on what she learned from years of experience. 

If you are interested in parenting in a respectful way that nurtures your relationship with your child and helps you grow as a parent, then this is the only parenting book you will need!

If you want the practical support to implement these tools into your day to day parenting, then sign up to one of my courses here. 

When mealtimes feel hard, try these kind ideas to help. They work even if your child is super strong-willed or very picky. 

​When my sweet toddler moved from her high chair to sit with us at the table, I shared her excitement. I felt proud at how grown up she had become. But then she discovered freedom and our mealtimes changed. 
No longer stuck in her high chair, she began jumping down from her seat at will and running around the table. It was cute and fun at first as she made laps of the table, full of giggles. 
But before long, more time was spent roaming the kitchen than sitting at the table. She insisted she needed to:

• Find that special toy right now
• Peep inside the washing machine 
• Chase the dog

Trying to remain calm, I encouraged her, on repeat, to take her seat and eat her food. A memory of the rigid mealtimes of my childhood, when we did not dare leave the table until we finished eating, nagged at me. I didn’t want that same experience for my daughter. I wanted to avoid power struggles and enjoy mealtimes together as a family.

So, my negotiations and pleas continued and soon she wouldn’t sit at the table at all. Food would go uneaten yet twenty minutes later she was begging for snacks. 
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Clearly, mealtimes were not working but I didn’t know what to do about it. 

Mealtimes were not working and I didn’t know what to doI decided to get tough. I chased her around the kitchen, insisting with a stern voice that she sit down, only for her to laugh at me and jump down as soon as I took my own seat. 

She thought it was a great game while I was left feeling like a fool. 

It seemed she was taunting me and showing absolutely no appreciation for the effort I had made to prepare her meal, not to mention everything else I had done to take care of her that day.

My frustration and resentment grew until I couldn’t think straight anymore. 

I found myself shouting at my toddler who just set her face in a hard frown and dug her heels in even more. 

Getting tough, bargains and bribes didn’t work at all

I told her crossly that she must stay on her seat, catching her arm and marching her back to the table. Then I would force her to sit down and threatening there would be no more cartoons if she did not sit and eat her food. 

Some days, I bargained with her and offered ice-cream after dinner if she stayed in her seat and ate.
A few times I propped up my phone in front of her and played Peppa Pig because I didn’t have the energy to fight again. 

Other times, I would tell myself I didn’t mind the chaos, and I sat at the table while my daughter ran around the kitchen. I convinced myself it was okay to give her a free rein, telling myself she would settle down eventually, next week or next year. 

As you can see, I was hardly consistent. 

Soon, I dreaded mealtimes…

Instead of the relaxed and enjoyable family time I hoped for, everybody was stressed, and tempers ran high. I was unpredictable and often ended up shouting. 
I felt disempowered. The very opposite of the strong leader that I wanted to be. Isolated and alone in our mealtime battles, it seemed as though I was the only parent who had not figured out how to get their child to sit for mealtimes. 

I felt like a failure.

Mealtimes were maddening, and I did not know how to turn things around. 

Mealtime battles are not misbehaviour

It was around this time that I came across Hand in Hand Parenting. Their approach proved to be the missing piece in the mealtime puzzle.

When children don’t cooperate with your wishes, most mainstream parenting advice tells you they are misbehaving. Hand in Hand Parenting has a different perspective. Their approach, which is based in brain-science, tells us that when children are disconnected they signal to us, often in very frustrating ways, that they need our help. 

And just as with other common challenges, like potty training, teeth brushing and bedtime, kids notice our tight spots. Those places where our own feelings run high. 

And when we react to their behaviour it gives them a sense of power in a world where they usually have very little control. 

These are times they to show us their struggles. 

Mealtimes can quickly become battlegrounds

It’s no real surprise that the dinner table can quickly become a battleground. My daughter was showing me that she found mealtimes hard. She was creating “games” by running away to make things easier, and trying to maintain a sense of power over me. 

I didn’t have to know why it was hard for her, I just had to respond to that need. 

With the Hand in Hand tools in mind, I began to believe they might help guide us to better meals together. And I was right. 

Read on to discover how I used the Hand in Hand tools to help my child sit up and eat, in just three weeks, and how you too can use these ideas to stop power battles at mealtimes.


Taking care of my own feelings first meant I lost it less often

One of the first things I did was to use my Listening Partnerships. These helped me get clear about how I wanted mealtimes to be and how to make it happen. I shared how difficult mealtimes were for me, how frustrated I felt and how I felt like I was failing as a mother. 

Offloading like this helped shake my feelings of isolation and hopelessness. With those frustrations taken care of, I felt refreshed and able to really move forward. 


Re-setting expectations and permissions made sitting at the table easier

First, I re-assessed my expectations of mealtimes. 

Toddlers have a short attention span. While it is reasonable to expect them to sit down to eat, it is best to keep mealtimes short and fun. My first goal was to have everyone sit together at the table for just five minutes. 

I also realised I had been overly permissive at mealtimes. My daughter coming and going as she pleased meant we were not able to sit and enjoy our meal as a family. 
She was not eating any dinner at all. 

Next we needed an expectation

So next I decided I would set an expectation that she would stay at the table until she finished eating. 

When you limit your child’s off-track behaviour while offering your warm connection, your child can start to think well again. 

I brought the limit about sitting at the table to her. I stayed close. When she tried to climb down, I used my hand to gently prevent her. I told her, as kindly as I could, “It’s dinner time, you need to stay at the table now”. 

She squirmed, she shouted and she cried.

​I gently held the limit and welcomed the opportunity to listen to her anger and frustration. I didn’t distract her, reason or explain. And I listened without bargaining and with all the care and love that I could manage.

As I listened each day to her feelings, she stayed seated for longer and paid more attention to her food.

Why I did not insist my daughter try one bite…

Once my daughter could stay seated, I made sure mealtimes were fun. Making up funny voices for the peas or pretending they were excited to join the party in her tummy made her laugh.

Some days, we played funny food songs on Spotify. (“It’s Raining Tacos” is still a favourite.) We had noodle slurping competitions. Our meals were short and fun.

I also borrowed principles from Ellen Satter’s “Division of Responsibility”. These say that while the parent is the leader in their family and should decide what, when and where meals and snacks should take place, the child is free to choose what they eat and how much. 

It’s important to provide a variety. Include food you know your child likes to eat and pair them with unfamiliar items or foods they may be unlikely to eat. Then leave it up to your child to eat what they please. 

The benefit of this system is that the parent leads mealtimes and can set limits around the menu and sitting at the table, but there is no pressure on the child to clear their plate. It respects your child’s food choices and stops the power struggles. 

We cannot force our children to eat. If we set up the right conditions for eating, without pressure or shame, then all that we can do is trust. Children will make their own choices around food and will gradually broaden the range of food they are willing to eat. When they know there will always be something they can eat, they feel less anxious. 

Soon, my daughter was sitting up and eating well

After three weeks of consistently using the Hand in Hand tools at mealtimes, my daughter was able to sit at the table and was able to eat her meal. 

Even better, I felt confident and relaxed that mealtimes would go well. 

The power struggles stopped. My temper was under control and my daughter began to see mealtimes as a time for connection instead of a battleground. 

Now my kids sit up, eat and we connect over food

As my children grow older, I continue to use these tools to keep mealtimes on track. 

I learned to manage my expectations around my children’s ability to think well and cooperate before mealtimes. The hour before dinner is often the low point in my children’s day. They are tired and hungry. My attention has been away from them as I prepare their meal. They often have screen time while I cook and that leads to further disconnection and frustration when it’s time to turn off. 

Now I have grown to anticipate this, I give myself a few extra minutes to listen to their feelings before dinner is served. Usually they are able to move on quickly and join us at the table.

And what about table manners?

Sometimes I worry that my children’s table manners will embarrass us. Perhaps in restaurants or when they are eating at friends’ houses. To put my mind at ease I sometimes have us all pretend we're out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. We laugh as we attempt to put on our best manners. We use knives and forks correctly. keep elbows off the table and don’t talk with our mouths full. Our kids love correcting the adults’ bad table manners. Now I feel reassured that they will know how to eat politely in public. 

My daughter is almost ten years old now and her younger brother is five. Our mealtimes are relaxed and free from tension. We sit down together as often as our schedules allow, to reconnect and catch up with the events of the day. 

Try these ideas if mealtimes in your house are hard

These ideas have made mealtimes easier for our family. I hope they also serve you well. 

• Get clear on what is right for your family. It is reasonable to expect everyone to sit at the table together at least for a short time, if that’s what you want
• Remember new habits take time to stick. Go easy on yourself if you don’t see immediate change. Be consistent, and keep going, and you will see mealtimes become happier and more peaceful
• Leave some time to connect before dinner, especially if your kids have screen time or other activities that they become absorbed in and find it difficult to move on from.
• Do set limits and expect strong feelings. This gives your child a chance to work off the feelings they have around mealtimes. 
• Expect Upsets. Allow extra time to Staylisten before dinner and be prepared for crying and tantrums when you hold the limit that your child does not climb down from the table every few minutes. Warn others in the family there may be some tears and tantrums as you try to get to grips with dinnertime 
• Make mealtimes fun. Make up funny songs about the food or get the broccoli to talk. Even getting to the table can be fun. Try an upside-down piggyback taxi or a piggyback ride where your child pulls on your ears to steer you to their seat. 
• Do not force children to eat or taste what is on their plate, but do always include something you know they can eat. Set the expectation that everyone sits at the table at dinnertime and leaves only when they are finished.
• Keep expectations realistic. Five minutes sitting together may be all that you manage at first. That’s OK. Make it clear that once your child leaves the table, mealtime is over. 
• Set a ‘no screens’ limit at the table, adults included. 
• Get lots of listening support for yourself to help you think clearly about what is difficult for you about mealtimes and how you would like them to be. 

It can sometimes feel like you are the only parent who struggles to set limits around food and mealtimes. Know this: You are not alone. And you are certainly not the first parent, or the last, to wonder how to keep your toddler or child seated at the table. 

Try these ideas and support to stop power battles and enjoy fun and connective mealtimes instead.

This article was first published on the Hand in Hand Parenting website on 9th June 2021, you can read it here

​A few year’s back when my daughter was about four years old, a new family moved into our neighbourhood and their two children started to play in our back garden. One child was the same age as my daughter and her big brother was about four years older. 

The trampoline in our garden was a big attraction and the three children started bouncing on it happily. 
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I noticed that the older boy was jumping quite aggressively, diving on purpose into his sister and pinning her to the ground. 

She shrieked in protest but he refused to get off her and laughed at her attempts to free herself. 
He was the only one enjoying the game. 

Before I had time to intervene my own daughter took matters into her own hands. She got down to the boy’s level and shouted “No means no. If someone says “STOP” you have to stop.” 

I backed her up at this stage. I separated the wrestling children and reinforced the boundary she had stated. I told the kids that the rules for playing at our house were that if someone says “No” or if it is clear that someone is no longer having fun then you have to stop. Immediately. 

The older boy reluctantly agreed, but his face hardened as he glared at me for correcting him. 
I jumped up and said lightly “Let’s practice consent!” 

We ran around inside the trampoline bumping into each other and I light-heartedly wrestled with my daughter trying to make her fall over. My daughter caught on quickly and shouted “Stop!”

I immediately jumped backwards with my hands in the air and a surprised expression on my face. All the kids giggled. She shouted “play” and off we went again. We practiced giving and withdrawing our consent in a playful way for a few minutes before I made my exit and let them play together again. 

I kept close watch the next few times the neighbours came to play. I had to enforce the boundary quite a few times with the older child but gradually he came onboard (and if he didn’t, well, my daughter had a lot to say about it). 

I was extremely proud that my daughter, aged only four at the time, was able to notice when her friend’s boundaries were being crossed and was able to strongly advocate for her. 

This had come about without me explicitly talking to her about consent. It came from modelling consent in our daily interactions. This is how I did that. 

Model Consent With Your Kids During Daily Interactions

From when my children were young babies I tried to explain to them what I was doing and asked their permission to wash them, to lift them, to change them. I would ask and then wait for a response. This could be as subtle as a wiggle or making eye contact, before proceeding. 

This kind of contingent communication, where we attune to the signals a child is giving us and respond accordingly, gives even very young children the message that they are understood and what they want and need matters and will be respected. 

As my children grow older, I do my best to respect their choices. Before I override their own decisions, I try to look at my own motivations. Is this a necessary intervention to keep them safe and well or is it a value judgement on my part? If the intervention is necessary I try to bring the limit with connection and love instead of harshness and force. 

Physical play is popular in our home and it is a great opportunity to model and practice consent in a fun way. When we have rough and tumble play, family wrestles or pillow fights, we have a safe word “jellybean” which we use often to pause play if someone is hurt or needs a break.

If anyone yells “jellybean” we pause the play straight away until the person is ready to restart. 

This keeps the play safe and fun and also gives my children the opportunity to set their own boundaries and have them respected by others. It is through play and modeling that my children have learnt how to negotiate consent. 

How To Raise Kids Who Respect Themselves And Others

One of the biggest worries for parents in the modern world is that their children will become victims or perpetrators of sexual violence. 

We also hope our children will form fulfilling and consensual relationships throughout their lives. 

Parents want to raise children who respect themselves and others and have the skills to navigate intimate relationships with care and confidence as they grow into adults. Children who will be able to stand up to oppression whenever they see it in the world. 

Children learn through observation and experience so sitting our kids down for the sex education talk or reading books about consent may be helpful but what we discuss with our children needs to be reinforced through our actions. 

Children learn consent through the everyday interactions we have with them and how we model good boundaries in our daily lives. 

Consent begins by seeing children as autonomous people who need our help and guidance but deserve as much respect as we would give an adult. 

That does not mean treating a child as if they were an adult. 

It means giving children autonomy over their own bodies and the decisions that affect their lives as far as possible. 

Once we have laid the groundwork of modeling consent in our day-to-day interactions, we can expand our discussions about consent, in an age appropriate way, to address everything from not touching private parts to consensual sex and pleasure. 

These conversations can be ongoing and will arise naturally as our children interact with their friends and the world around them. 

Getting intentional: Use These Hand in Hand Tools To Build Consent Principles Into Your Family

The five Hand in Hand tools are based around respect and listening to ourselves and our children so they naturally support and reinforce the principles of consent. 

A Chance To Be In Charge

Special Time gives children the chance to be in charge of what happens to them. 

By doing regular Special Time with our children, we give them the opportunity to be fully in charge of their own bodies and the decisions they make. They learn to ask for what they need and have their requests respected. 

Special Time also gives children space to work on the times when they could not control the decisions being made about them. It is a great way for them to heal from past experiences and gain confidence in asserting themselves.

Start Playing With Power

Playlistening gives children a chance to be the more powerful one for a short time while their caregivers act silly, bumbling or incompetent. Through laughter, children get to offload old fears from the past times they felt powerless. Playlistening and playful limits can help us gain our children’s cooperation without the need to overpower or threaten them into doing something they don’t want to do. 

Model Acceptable Boundaries

An important aspect of consent is setting clear limits with our children so we are modeling boundaries and what is acceptable to us. 

We can bring gentle limits with respect, saying “No” to the behaviour but “Yes” to our warmth and connection. 
Consent also means asking permission to physically touch a child and respecting a child’s wishes if they do not want to be kissed, cuddled, picked up or tickled. 

Using the Hand in Hand tools to model consent can be challenging if you did not have your own boundaries respected when you were a child. You may have been given very little choice and your parents may not have listened to your needs or they may have been overly permissive. 

Talking to another parent about the choices (or, perhaps, lack of choices) you had as a child in a Listening Partnership can help you get clear about what you want for your own children. 

Set Limits With Family Members Too

Often members of your extended family have not done the same thinking around consent as you may have done. 

They may expect kisses and hugs from a child or may tickle, wrestle or pick up children without their consent. 
If possible, it is good to talk to your family about your own family values around consent and why it is important to you. 

If that isn’t possible or your preferences are still not respected you can explain to your child in advance that it is their choice to kiss/hug a relative and they do not have to if they don’t want to. 

You will need to keep a close lookout to help your child navigate this. 

You could practice in advance with your Listening Partner how you might set a limit with a family member who insists on kissing your child without their consent. 

You can set a playful limit with family members by lightly saying, “Here’s a kiss from me instead.” If you are light-hearted and confident about the limit, they will be more likely to take it well. 

You may also have to set a firmer limit: “I can’t let you kiss them when they don’t want to” and create a physical barrier between your child and the person. This sends a very powerful message to your child that you are advocating for them and their boundaries matter.  

You get to stand up for your child in a way that maybe you were not able to do in the past, which can be a very empowering experience for both you and your child. 

Five Ways To Put Consent At The Center Of Your Family: Tips for comfortable, confident conversations around consent. 

1. Model consent by always asking permission to kiss, cuddle or pick up your child and making sure others do too.
2. Give your child as much control over their lives as you are safely able to do. This gives them the opportunity to make decisions, assert their opinion and have their choices respected. 
3. Teach basic rules of consent amongst friends and siblings. No means no. Stop means stop. If someone doesn’t look like they are having fun, stop before they say “no”. You may have to step in to enforce these ground rules at first until it becomes natural. 
4. Start young, you don’t need to talk about sex to start learning consent. 
5. Practice with your child about how to say “No” in situations when they might feel uncomfortable. This could start with saying “No” during physical play with a sibling and continue as they make decisions with their friends around staying out late, alcohol and other tricky situations.

Teaching children about consent is about so much more than sex education. 

It will help your child develop good boundaries in all their relationships from friends to intimate partners to work colleagues and bosses. 

Not only do we want our children to stand up for themselves, but also to have the confidence and skills to stand up for others more vulnerable or less privileged than themselves and to call out injustice and oppression wherever they see it in the world.  
​
How do you model consent in your family?

This post was first published on the Hand in Hand Parenting website on 6th April 2021

My first year of motherhood felt a bit like trying to stay in control of a runaway train. Breastfeeding did not come easily to me and so I was delighted to reach the milestone of feeding my daughter for a full year. 

But I had grown to hate breastfeeding. 

My daughter was feeding throughout the night almost every hour, sometimes more. She breastfed only occasionally during the day but as soon as nighttime came the 24-hour diner was very much open for business. 
​
We were co-sleeping and she seemed to be permanently attached to me. I had forgotten what deep sleep felt like. ​

I grew resentful about waking to breastfeed.

I grew resentful of the constant night wakings. I was exhausted and my body didn’t feel like my own. But, I had no plan. I didn’t know what to do about it so I carried on, dreading each night, and fantasising about a full night’s undisturbed sleep.
I did not know how to get more sleep at night without causing upset to my daughter. I was committed to attachment parenting, and it felt intuitively right to stay physically close and meet the needs of my baby but that came at the expense of my own need for rest. 

The only alternative seemed to be putting my needs first by using controlled crying or sleep training. I knew it wasn’t an option for me to leave my daughter alone to cry so I resigned myself to sleepless nights. 

Matters were taken out of my hands and our breastfeeding journey sadly came to an unexpected and abrupt end for medical reasons when my daughter was 14 months old. Although this was a difficult time for us, I was also relieved that I was no longer breastfeeding.

And then baby number 2 arrived. 

My daughter was four when her little brother arrived. This time, breastfeeding got off to a good start. I co-slept with my son and fed him on demand throughout the day and night. As he grew older I hoped he would be one of those mythical babies who slept for five hour stretches. 

He wasn’t. 

As he approached a year old, he was waking frequently for night feeds and once again I was exhausted and unsure of what to do. I did not want to stop breastfeeding my son but looking after two young children while sleep deprived was taking its toll on me.

I was short tempered and impatient with my daughter and unable to give her the attention she was craving.  

However, this time there was hope. 

This Time Around I Had HopeI had recently been introduced to Hand in Hand Parenting and I was slowly bringing its listening tools to my parenting. I began to understand that I could respect my son’s need for closeness and my need for sleep, without leaving him to cry on his own. I realised if my needs were met, I could be more available to my family by day.  

I thought about setting limits on my son's night feedings.  

I spent time in my Listening Partnership exploring how difficult it was to put my own needs first and I thought about the fears I had about saying “no” to my son. By making sense of my own feelings on breastfeeding, I was able to think more clearly about the present situation. 

Next I worked on boosting our connection. I started to do daily Special Time with my son for ten minutes before bedtime. Although he was too young to fully understand Special Time, he delighted in my attention and playfulness as I made silly faces and rolled around the bed with him, following his lead. Throughout the day I tried to notice what made him giggle. He loved separation games where I would look around the room and pretend I couldn’t see him and then act surprised when I finally spotted him right in front of me. 

I also began to notice the times during the day when he was upset. This was often when he woke from a nap. Instead of carrying him downstairs straight away, which would distract him from his feelings, I stayed with him and listened to his upset as often as I could. I knew that the more I listened to his crying during the day, the more he could drain his feelings during the day, rather than at night, when I felt less resourced to listen. 

I decided I would begin with a five hour stretch at night when I would not feed my sonAt 12-months-old I knew my son was old enough to safely make it through the night without a feed. To reassure myself I decided I would begin with a five hour stretch at night when I would not feed him. 

I gently explained to him in advance that when he woke up that night I would help him get back to sleep without feeding him. I fed him as usual at 11pm, when I went to bed, and then I decided I would not feed him again until 4 am, a five-hour stretch. 

I enlisted my husband’s help and he agreed to sleep in the spare room and then take the children downstairs for breakfast in the morning so I could get a little extra sleep. When my son woke at 1am for a feed, I gently explained to him that I wasn’t going to feed him and there would be more milk in the morning. I lay close to him, offering him my eye contact and softly told him I loved him and he wasn’t alone. 

My son had a huge cry that night and for the next few nights. He was upset with the limit I had set. I did not try to minimise his upset, I did not try to talk him out of it, I did not distract him with rocking or shushing or rubbing his back. I said “no” to nursing him but said a big “yes” to my presence, my warmth and my love. 

Of course he was upset. This was a big change for him. I supported him to express his emotions safely in my loving presence.

I continued to set limits and Staylisten each time my son woke for the next two or three nights. When I felt too tired or unable to Staylisten calmly, I explained to him that I would listen to his feelings another time. Then I fed him back to sleep as we normally did. I wanted to be flexible in my approach and stay connected to how I was feeling and my capacity to listen. I allowed myself to go at my own pace based on how I was feeling in the moment rather than on a rigid timetable of how I thought things should be progressing. 

My Son Was Sleeping Through the Night in 10 DaysAfter two or three nights my son began sleeping soundly for a five hour stretch. After that I was able to set a limit on the 11pm feed and after ten days my son was sleeping through the night. If he did wake up I made sure he was warm, dry and comfortable and then I told him it was time for sleeping and he could have more milk in the morning. He would roll over and very quickly go back to sleep. 

My son was relaxed and happy during the day and I noticed he was napping more easily and for longer as well.
 
I felt deeply rested and I no longer resented breastfeeding. 

We were both relaxed and flexible about breastfeeding and I continued to breastfeed my son until he was 3 years old. 

By paying attention to my own needs and with the help of the Hand in Hand listening tools, I was able to balance my need for sleep with my son’s need for attachment in a way in which we both had our needs met. 
I was able to gently set a limit without compromising our bond or my son’s wellbeing, allowing me to continue breastfeeding without any feelings of resentment. 

Setting limits around breastfeeding can be an emotive topic. We all have different needs and opinions when it comes to feeding our children. There can often be a lot of judgement from family members, friends and other parents when it comes to our choices. By getting clear on our own needs and values we can make decisions based on what is best for our unique parenting situation. 

If you are thinking about setting limits around breastfeeding, a great place to start is by exploring your feelings in Listening Partnerships. You may be considering night weaning, like me, maybe you wish to set limits on frequent daytime feeds or you may be ready to wean completely. Either way, the process is the same. 

Check in with yourself and give yourself the space to decide what feels right for you and what changes you wish to make. Think about setting limits on breastfeeding, and talk about what feels difficult for you. Go over how you were cared for as a young child and any fears you might have about setting limits on breastfeeding. 

Once you sort through your own feelings, you will be able to make clear decisions about whether you wish to set limits on breastfeeding and how that might look for your family. 

Children often have big emotions attached to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is about so much more than nutrition, it brings comfort and closeness. It is normal for your child to feel upset when you set a limit on how or when you feed them and it is okay for them to express this upset. 

You can gently say “no” to breastfeeding while continuing to offer the closeness and comfort of your presence.  
I had so many doubts about how I could set limits on breastfeeding my son without causing harm to our relationship, but I look back and see that by tuning in to both our needs I could stay deeply connected to my son and get the sleep I desperately needed. Now my son is a happy and affectionate five-year-old who sleeps well and feels safe enough to share his upsets with me. 

Set Limits on Breastfeeding with these five helpful steps

1. Get clear on your own needs, worries and fears through Listening Partnerships.
2. Make a plan in advance – decide how and where you want to set limits, when would be a good time to make changes and how long you are willing to work on it.  
3. Put support in place—increase your listening time, get help from your partner if that is available to you, have meals ready in the freezer so you don’t need to worry about dinner, ask for support from family and friends so you can get extra rest.
4. Be flexible—check in with yourself often and be true to what is going on for you rather than sticking rigidly to your plan. If you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted it is fine to take a break and start again when you feel you can. 
5. Boost connection—before and during any transition, increase connection through Special Time and Playlistening. This will help your little one feel safe and connected to you and strengthens your relationship overall.

Attending to our children’s needs all day and through the night can be exhausting and overwhelming. If you are struggling with feelings of frustration or resentment around breastfeeding it may be possible to make changes to your feeding relationship. 

By using the Hand in Hand listening tools, you can do so in a gentle and respectful way which actually encourages good emotional development in your child and strengthens your attachment relationship. 

Are you wondering if it’s time to set limits on breastfeeding? What is one thing can you do today to get closer?

This article was first published on the Hand in Hand Parenting website here

​Learn how the Hand in Hand Parenting tools can support you by signing up to one of my Parenting Programmes.

​Set the timer for ten minutes

Agree on teams (We opted for two, with one adult and one child per team).

The aim of the game was to push each other off the mattress.

The only rules were no kicking or biting and if someone shouted the safe word “Jellybean” everyone had to pause.

And off we went.

It took only ten minutes to lift everyone’s mood and bring us all closer.The children threw themselves into the game wholeheartedly. Laughter and exuberance filled the room – my husband and I laughed just as hard as the little ones.

The children enjoyed it immensely and begged us each night before bed to have our family wrestle. And so, without planning it, we started a tradition of nightly family wrestles before bed.

We developed many variations along the way:

We gave ourselves special names (mine was “Mother Hugger,”)
We created silly rules. For example, we began every round by bowing to each other and saying “Namaste”, followed by a drum roll of clapping our hands on our knees.
We did tag teams
We invented special moves.

But most important of all?

We laughed. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

And, if, sometimes, someone got hurt, we paused the timer and listened to their upset until they were ready to dive in again. They were ALWAYS ready to dive in again!

Afterwards, I felt deeply connected to my partner and both of my children, and the strength of that lovely heart-bond that comes through laughing together.

It took only ten minutes to lift everyone’s mood and bring us all closer.

As the holidays progressed and we wrestled every night, I noticed both children began crying more at other times during the day. I was able to listen well as big tears rolled down their faces. My daughter became more affectionate with me and was more open to my warm physical contact instead of shrugging me away.
She stopped complaining that her brother was getting more attention than she was.

Bedtimes were going better too. Both children were relaxed at bedtime and fell asleep much more quickly.
They were spending more time playing together for long stretches without any disagreements or upsets.
The list went on.

And then, the holidays ended. As the holidays came to an end and we got back to work and school, we cut back on the nightly wrestles but our tradition continued every Sunday night.

No-one predicted the quarantine

​We could have never have guessed then that in a few short months later we would be thrown into the Coronavirus pandemic, and quarantine. Once again we found ourselves spending a lot of time at home together as a family, this time due to the quarantine restrictions.
Our world’s had been turned upside down. The children were home from school and my husband and I were both trying to work from home.

I did my best to explain to my children in words what the Coronavirus was and what the restrictions meant but I knew that children often make sense of the world through play.

I could tell my children were feeling the effects of the shut-down:

They were missing their friends, they were bored and whining a lot, they were fighting with each other. All of these are signs that they were feeling disconnected and off-track.

I sensed they needed something more…I was doing regular one to one play with my children through Special Time but I sensed they needed something more. They were both more highly strung than usual, especially at bedtime.

And then I remembered the difference that family wrestling had made back during the winter holidays.

Anthony DeBenedet, M.D and Larry Cohen list 6 benefits to this type of play in their book, The Art of Roughousing, which include boosting self-control and social skills, stimulating the brain's emotional, language and logic centres, better problem-solving abilities. This play is also great for physical fitness and works well as a safe outlet for aggression.

I remembered our increased laughter and togetherness. The wrestling brought us closer and diffused our tension. If I wanted to keep connected with my kids during the quarantine, I knew what I had to do.

So, I brought back the wrestling!

What had changed?

My husband and I did not feel resourced enough to wrestle every night but we began wrestling again whenever we could, which has ended up being several times a week.

The children are eager participants and throw themselves into the wrestling enthusiastically. I've noticed this time around that our wrestling has become a lot more physical and there is a lot more laughter.

It feels like the current situation had wound us all up a bit tighter.

It feels so good for me to use my physical body! 

To be able to “fight back” given the current situation, when I've felt so powerless. It feels like I am taking action instead of feeling helpless.

And the children have loved the physical contact too, especially when we gang up against my husband and give it all we have.

They've wrestled hard with much sweating and laughter. There have been more upsets too, but again, when this happens, we pause the timer and welcome the tears for as long as was need to before jumping back in.
And once again, they always jump back in!

This is what we all need to keep connected with our kids during the quarantineThe children are relaxed and happy after these wrestles. They play together more readily and I see them return to being carefree children.

That's why family wrestles have become a regular feature of our parenting during the Coronavirus pandemic. It's brought us closer as a family, especially during this difficult time, and it has given the children an outlet for their energy and their rage.

Set up your rough and tumble play for success

Rough and tumble play is a great way to connect before bed or at any time during the day. It's especially useful in uncertain times, like now, during the quarantine. It diffuses energy and releases lots of tension for children and parents.

What: Rough and tumble play does not have to be wrestling. It can be any kind of physical play with lots of body contact. You might try piggyback races, bucking broncos, pillow fights or sock fights.
Agree Your Rules: Suggest no punching, hitting, or biting. And consider using a “safe word” to use if you need to stop play.
Play with Time: If you want to play before bed, as we do, give yourselves some time. You'll see a natural arc to the play that starts as the games rev everyone up. If you play long enough you'll also see a descent back into a calmer space. Experiment with what your kids need.
Let Kids Lead: Tune in to what makes your kids laugh most. Let them take the lead and, whenever you can, give them the upper hand. These are uncertain times. It feels hugely empowering to work off some of that stress together and for them to be able to shout loud and proud about their wins.

Need some game inspiration? Download 6 Great Games to Play Before Bed

This blog was originally published on 16th April 2020 on the Hand in Hand Parenting website here.