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When I first became a mum, I held a cultural belief that bedsharing was wrong / dangerous etc.
After 3 days of sleep deprivation, I was bedsharing and continued to bed share for several years. There are lots of advantages to bed-sharing. But as your child grows you might not enjoy bed sharing any more for many reasons. |
- You can’t sleep
- Child is noisy or moves around a lot
- You want some personal space
- You just want to say goodnight and be on your own until morning
You can transition your child to sleeping on their own in their own bed all night without doing them emotional harm.
I’m talking about children over the age of 1 years old. I think under this age they need a lot of closeness, attention, on-demand feeding etc.
Different for every child - high needs, premature, traumatic birth, medical issues, stress in the family - they might benefit from extra closeness
There isn’t a right age or a right time - that is your decision - best to check in with yourself - are you getting resentful, check in with your child. Are they very rigid?
It is ok to put your need for sleep first - weeks, months and years of disturbed sleep take their toll
By paying attention to your own needs you can show up in the best way possible as a parent
You could co-sleep for years because that’s what you think your child needs to feel loved and secure but be resentful and worn out
Or maybe your child has been sleeping in their own bed for a while but bedtime is a nightmare, or they come into you in the middle of the night.
It is possible to support your child to sleep all night on their own.
Will they be upset about it? Yes!!
That is ok
If they are upset it means they have some big feelings about separation that they’re holding on to.
In fact, you can help them let go of these feelings, support them to have the confidence to sleep all night
I love what Marion Rose, Aware Parenting says that Children need 3 things to sleep well:
- Tired
- Connected
- Relaxed
Over the course of days, weeks, months, children experience all kinds of feelings - fear, disappointment, frustration etc.
All those feelings get packed away in their emotional backpack and that can get in the way of them feeling relaxed enough to sleep.
If we can listen to those feelings of upset whenever we can, that is going to help our children let go of emotional tension and be relaxed enough to sleep well.
Children can become very rigid in their bedtime routines and that is a way for them to keep the emotional backpack closed up tight
But the thing is, that makes it harder for them to sleep.
So they might insist that you read a certain number of stories, then you have to sing a song, then rub their back. They must have their special teddy or their blanky etc etc.
So what can happen is we play along with this extravagant system in the hope they will get to sleep when what they might actually need is for us to set a limit on some of those things, that will allow them to actually feel their feelings instead of hiding them away in increasingly difficult ways.
Then we listen to the upset
Let’s take an example of a parent I worked with recently and the proces she went through to get her son falling asleep on his own.
Her child was very rigid at nighttime.
Next she tackled the night waking, coming into her bed
Different from CIO
5 tips to support your child to sleep well.
- Propose a change in the bedtime routine
- Listen to feelings
- Get emotional support yourself
- It’s ok not to be consistent - take a break when you need to and pick it up again
- Balance it all with lots of connection - special time, physical play
Other things that help with connection:
Love potion
Playlistening at lights out - I can’t leave you, I’m stuck to you, just one more kiss and hug.
Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass.